Month: October 2025

Jars of Hearts and Fishing Line

Another day, another five-mile walk in the autumn sun. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: what a privilege.

There was a time I would have taken that for granted—not just the walking, but the friendship and camaraderie that comes from spending miles in conversation with friends.

What seems like a lifetime ago, I was a runner. Running was solitary for me, exactly how I liked it. It gave me space for my thoughts. Pounding my burdens into the pavement became my therapy.

I began walking with friends after buying my first home and having a few kids. That’s when I discovered the joy of female companionship, and I learned that doing something hard together—especially something physically demanding like exercise—can strengthen relationships in ways words alone cannot.

But life grew noisy. The demands of motherhood and the endless “more important” tasks slowly edged out those near-daily walks with friends.

In 2012, I suffered a traumatizing miscarriage and fell into depression. Aaron gently suggested I find a hobby to help me recover. I decided to certify in group fitness and began teaching a Pilates-and-yoga-fusion class I called Mix Method. Later, I added High Fitness to reach a broader audience and bring a little cardio fun into the mix.

Putting myself out there wasn’t easy at first, but week by week, my class attendance grew. I had my regular ladies who came faithfully, and others who popped in when life allowed. We spent years sweating side by side, learning from one another, laughing, struggling, and celebrating our progress. I called them my friends, and I hoped they felt the same. Doing something difficult—especially something physical—has a way of bonding people.

But it all ended.

That cursed day in October 2021, my heart could take no more. With my ARVC diagnosis, it was no longer safe to teach fitness classes. I was a literal ticking time bomb. Teaching had been my social life, my way of connecting. Without it, I felt like I had no value outside providing classes.

At one point, I had to write an email to High Fitness to cancel my membership and close my instructor portal. I would never teach aerobics safely again; my heart was broken. I explained my situation—that I needed a heart transplant—and their response was, “That must be scary for you. Have fun in your next adventure!”

I wasn’t sure what response I had expected, but it certainly wasn’t that. I felt dropped like a wet brick by a community I thought I could rely on.

There have been times in the last four years when I felt deeply alone. That feeling is common for people who have gone through something as traumatic as a heart transplant—there are few who can relate, and some distance themselves out of discomfort or fear. I also noticed that my conversations often circled back to my health, which can be boring or isolating for others.

Almost exactly two years ago, I sat in my car, tucked inside the garage, feeling utterly destitute. My health was failing, and I knew my days of driving were coming to an end. That morning, while taking my daughter to school during a dizzy spell, I had driven directly into the path of a dump truck, narrowly avoiding disaster with the next turn. I had to admit: I was no longer safe behind the wheel. By that time, I had been waiting for a heart for more than a year. I realized that in order to get better, things were going to have to get so much worse. I needed a miracle. I cried. I prayed. I cried and prayed again.

And I felt so alone.

I asked God to send me someone, anyone, to help me—someone to ease my burden, to distract me from the crushing loneliness. The answer was clear: no.

Surprised? I was. It seemed like such a simple request. I wasn’t asking for an earth-shaking miracle. I wasn’t asking for the heart I needed. I was asking for someone to reach out and ease my loneliness.

The answer was no because I had lessons to learn—one of which was to notice and appreciate the ways people were already showing up, even in small ways.

This is one reason I collect heart-shaped rocks.

On my kitchen counter sits a jar of heart rocks. Most are collected from nature—small gifts from a loving Father in Heaven, reminders to see miracles every day. Some are gifts from people in my life, accompanied by notes that say, “I saw this rock and thought of you.”

My son, Aiden, served a mission in Ghana. Fishing is a big part of life there in Cape Coast. Fishermen take large nets from the beach and cast them into the ocean. At the end of the day, they pull the nets ashore to see what they’ve caught. The nets are huge, and they cannot be hauled in by one man alone—so others step in to help.

One day, Aiden and his companion came across such a scene. They began to help pull for an hour before two of the fishermen began arguing. To Aiden’s surprise, everyone else dropped the line and walked away. No fish were hauled in that day.

In life, we all have our own lines we’re pulling, our own responsibilities and messy challenges. At the same time, we are called to show up for others. We don’t have to haul in the nets alone.

Recognizing how people show up—big or small—makes a difference. A sincere, “How can I pray for you?” or “You’re in my prayers” goes a long way. Faith-filled prayer, followed by acting on promptings, is one of the most charitable things we can do. After all, in the final hours before His death, that is exactly what Christ did for all of us.

I am blessed to see these acts in my life: God’s angels taking up my line, helping me haul in my nets. Offering a prayer, silent or spoken. Noticing a heart-shaped rock, cloud, or even a Pringles chip. Sending a morning text: “Walk at 9?”—and then filling the miles with our words and laughter.

What a privilege.

Witness Marks

My husband loves old clocks. I’ll admit, it sounds romantic—but when he brought his first antique clock home, I was a little perplexed. The thing was beautiful: a mantel clock made of ebony hardwood, engraved with delicate filigree. Built around 1910, it required care in the form of weekly winding. He was instructed to turn two keys—one clockwise, the other counterclockwise. If he kept to a disciplined schedule, the clock kept remarkably good time and chimed faithfully on the hour. If he forgot to wind it, well… she sat uselessly on the piano where she was meant to mark the passage of time.

Aaron is disciplined, and he wound the clock regularly. On the rare occasions he forgot and the clock fell behind, he would patiently work the keys and gently move the hands back to where they belonged. One Sunday evening, Aaron went to wind the clock only to discover it was broken. The hands no longer responded to the turning of the keys. When we removed the back and exposed the inner workings, we found the problem: the coiled mainspring—an essential piece—had fractured. We had no idea how to fix it or where to find someone who could. Aaron was devastated. He was so proud of that clock and of the care he had taken to keep it running, and his disappointment made me deeply sad.

Eventually—by what means or after how long, I don’t know—Aaron found a repairman. The shop was tucked into a small, rust-colored brick building on a crowded corner of Main Street in Holiday, Utah. Inside, the space was filled with clocks of every kind: towering grandfather clocks, noisy cuckoo clocks, delicate pendulum clocks under fragile glass domes, and even a few whimsical Felix-the-Cat clocks with their tails swinging back and forth to keep time.

The clerk took our beautiful-but-broken mantel clock and warned us that repairs could take up to a year. “You have to understand,” she said, “we don’t have an owner’s manual for clocks this old. The clock will need to be completely taken apart and examined before we can even know what repairs it needs.”

Then she added, “And sometimes, we simply can’t find the parts. When that happens, the only option is to rebuild.”

In the art of clock repair, when instructions don’t exist, repairmen rely on what are called witness marks—tiny clues like faint scratches, screw holes, tool marks, or even missing pieces. Sometimes these marks are intentional, left by builders or previous repairmen. Other times they’re the result of damage. But to a trained eye, they tell a story. They guide the repair.

Through heart transplant surgery and thyroid cancer, surgeons have left plenty of visible witness marks on and within my body. Fifty years of living have left even more on my soul. I’ve been brought, many times, to what I believed were my breaking points. Life is full of them.

I don’t believe God gives us trials. I believe life is inherently hard—sometimes brutal, and for some, unspeakable. But I do believe that these hard, brutal, and unspeakable things can be used for good. They can become blessings.

In a recent conference talk by President Henry B. Eyring titled “Proved and Strengthened in Christ,” I was drawn to Philippians 4:13. Most of us know it by heart: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” What a beautiful promise.

But when I returned to the King James Version, I noticed something subtle yet profound:
“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

Which—not who.

That distinction matters.

I can’t count how many times I’ve felt so low, so devastated, that in the darkness I’ve wondered: Where is He now? If Christ is the one who strengthens me, why does He feel absent when I need Him most?

It is in those moments—when we feel alone—that we are given a choice: to turn away from Christ, or to turn toward Him. And in the act of turning, in the choice to believe, we find strength.

It is in the doing that faith is strengthened. It is believing still—choosing Christ again—that fortifies us. He is with us, always, inviting us: “Take my yoke upon you, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

This is the great initiation. This is the school where we learn to consecrate what feels entirely unholy into something redemptive. In trial—when we are stripped bare, opened up, and taken apart—we can be strengthened. Our grief can be met with love and wisdom.

And when Christ has healed us, like a master clock repairman, He will have left His witness mark.

The Five Mile Trail

Today I walked five miles.

The sun was shining, and the air held that perfect autumn-day crispness. We had the trail mostly to ourselves—Christine, Millie, and me—and we talked freely, filling the miles with whatever drifted into our minds.

Five miles. What a privilege.

At one point, we passed a neighborhood friend, Megan. She commented on how fast we were—and we were, moving along at a pace of fifteen or sixteen minutes per mile. Without missing a beat, Millie and Christine both said, “Well, Fiauna has a new, young heart. It wants to go fast!”

I have a 21-year-old heart.

That’s a fact that still brings me to tears. My donor was only nineteen years old when her life ended and her heart was donated to extend mine.

After my transplant, while I was still in the hospital, the social worker came to my room during a rare moment of privacy and asked if I wanted to know what little information she was allowed to share about my donor. Surprisingly, I had to think about it.

Did I really want to know?

It seems like such an obvious question, but after everything I had been through, I had to ask myself how much I truly wanted to carry. That information felt sacred somehow. Holding any knowledge at all felt like a responsibility I wasn’t sure I was capable of bearing. It’s hard to explain exactly why. There are good things and hard things that come with knowing. We are all just human, after all, and sometimes the magic you hope and pray for can also break your heart.

While I was waiting for transplant, I heard all the anecdotes about organ transplants and personality changes—believe me. My father-in-law shared, more than once, a story about a man in his church who received a heart from a thirteen-year-old girl and went on to develop her personality traits, right down to an uncontrollable case of the giggles. While I understood there were logical explanations—medications, trauma, the body adjusting—it still colored how I felt in that moment when I was given the chance to learn about my donor.

When the social worker told me my donor was female and between the ages of eighteen and twenty-four, I couldn’t stop the immediate cascade—no, the deluge—of tears. My own children were that same age.

Who was I to take a heart? To take life, opportunity, learning, and growth from someone so young?

I still haven’t found an answer.

Nine months after my transplant, I wrote a letter and sent it to my social worker, hoping it would eventually reach my donor’s family. I didn’t need a response; I simply wanted to say thank you. It felt like the right thing to do.

Then, the following February—ironically, on the very day I learned my thyroid cancer had returned—I received a letter in return. It was from my donor’s mother.

My donor was Ella.

She was a medical assistant and a nursing student. A dancer. A lover of music. She and her mother were very close. Precious.

There’s something that happens when someone comes close to dying—or, in my case, receives a heart transplant. You feel a responsibility to live an extraordinary life, to somehow make the second chance, the gift of an organ, worth it. I’ve wrestled with this more than I care to admit.

I don’t want to go back to college and complete a nursing degree in her honor. I don’t feel healthy enough to run a marathon or climb a famous fourteen-thousand-foot peak. Maybe someday I’ll create a charitable trust or do something meaningful in the realm of organ donation.

But for now—for today—I will walk five miles.

I will breathe in the crisp autumn air and feel the steady rhythm of this 21-year-old heart. And that will be enough.