Tag: writing

In Good Hands

Sit with me for a minute, will you, and let me tell you about a dream I had that wasn’t really just a dream at all.

First, a little backstory. We were driving through Salt Lake City when Aaron’s phone rang. It was a friend from work who had a connection to a PA working with an electrophysiologist—a cardiologist who specializes in heart rhythm disorders—who could fit me in for an appointment quickly. Desperate, we accepted the next available opening.

Unbeknownst to us, we had agreed to see the very doctor who had treated me 25 years earlier. I hadn’t liked him then—let’s just say his bedside manner was lacking—and sadly, we did not like him now either. Nevertheless, within a month, he diagnosed me with ARVC, placed an ICD, and referred me to an interventional cardiologist for follow-up care. Over the next two months, Aaron and I both had misgivings; we woke up in the middle of the night feeling I needed a change of providers.

At that time, I was receiving care at IMC in Murray, Utah. Our insurance covered most services, but some things required referrals elsewhere—a frustrating hassle. There were other issues, too: a hospital admission where my doctors could not be reached, test results that never came, and a general sense of lack of urgency regarding my care. Eventually, we made the switch to the University of Utah—a decision that pleased our insurance but left us uncertain.

That’s when I had the dream.

I was in an empty banquet hall with windows overlooking the city. It was just my family and me when in walked Russell M. Nelson, then president of the LDS Church and a former renowned heart surgeon and researcher, and his wife. He sat next to me on a padded window seat, placed his hand on my knee, and said, “We are aware of what’s going on, and you are in good hands.”

That was it. That was the entirety of the dream. Yet I woke feeling warmly comforted.

Fast forward a few months and several traumatic events, and I found myself waiting for a heart transplant. At the University of Utah, three surgeons performed heart transplants, and the surgeon on the day of surgery was the “luck of the draw.” Patients are encouraged to consult with one or more surgeons while waiting. I met Dr. Selzman during a particularly grueling two-week admission following a VT storm—an episode of uncontrolled ventricular tachycardia. I was informed I would be listed for a transplant and then bombarded with the pre-listing battery of tests. I met countless specialists, residents, med students, fellows, technicians, social workers, and nurses—their faces blurred together, and Dr. Selzman’s was just another among many.

I met another surgeon, Dr. Goodwin, during the following 18 months of my waiting. He was friendly, quiet, confident, and passionate about his work. Aaron and I felt reassured that we were in good hands.

Then, on December 14, 2023, the call finally came: “Fiauna, we have a heart for you. Are you ready?”

Nothing can prepare you for that call. No matter how many times you rehearse it in your head, checklists you’ve crossed off, bags packed, or prayers said, when it comes, you are struck speechless. We made phone calls, gathered our family, had a small Christmas gift exchange—because we had no idea what life might look like on the other side of this day—and headed to the hospital.

During pre-op, scheduled in the early hours of December 15, the staff repeatedly told us how lucky we were because Dr. Selzman was on call. Their words barely registered. I felt dizzy, nauseous, and weak. Anxiety consumed me. Soon, a surgeon I had barely met would cut into my chest and remove my most vital organ. And if things didn’t go well…

I was acutely aware that somewhere, for some family, this was the worst night of their lives.

As the anesthesia team inserted an arterial line into my arm, my blood pressure plummeted. I felt myself losing consciousness and prayed silently: “Heavenly Father, please hold me.”

I have no recollection of what happened next, but Aaron says Dr. Selzman walked in calmly, said, “Oh, I know how to fix this,” and wheeled me to the operating room.

Later, after recovery, while walking the cardiology unit, I saw a plaque on the wall bearing a picture of President Russell M. Nelson embracing Dr. Craig H. Selzman.

Remember my dream, where President Russell M. Nelson told me I was in good hands? Had it been just a dream, or did President Nelson somehow know I truly would be?

In 2018—five years before my transplant—the University of Utah created the Dr. Russell M. Nelson and Dantzel W. Nelson Presidential Chair in Cardiothoracic Surgery, a professorship awarded to Dr. Selzman. Five years later, President Nelson donated his professional journals to the University. In a meeting with dignitaries from around the world, Dr. Selzman shared what he had learned from President Nelson. Then, in the October 2025 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Elder Dale G. Renlund, also a retired heart surgeon, shared a story about Dr. Selzman:

“Dr. Selzman recounted that, four days before being appointed to the professorship, after a long day in the OR, he learned that a patient needed to return to surgery. Fatigued and disappointed, he resolved to act differently. President Nelson had been known for his composure, respect, and patience, and Dr. Selzman determined that his actions in the operating room would emulate those qualities. Though already considerate, he chose to be even better, mindful of the impact on his team.”

Almost two years have passed since my transplant, and over a year and a half since my last follow-up with Dr. Selzman. There is a strange intimacy in trusting someone with your life, someone who has held your heart in their hands. Yet, the day-to-day of a surgeon’s life moves on, leaving behind a subtle emptiness for the patient.

Healthcare often makes us feel like a number, not a human being, and our stories can feel invisible. This is not uncommon. I know firsthand the long hours, low wages, and lack of support in the healthcare profession. But feeling unseen can make self-advocacy difficult, and self-advocacy is vital to good outcomes. Feeling safe and valued matters.

Elder Renlund’s talk illuminated this for me. Before surgery, I had understood the professional significance of Dr. Selzman’s award. That was meaningful. But learning about the character lessons he drew from President Nelson—composure, respect, patience—transformed everything. I felt seen, I felt safe.

I realized then that my dream had not been solely about easing anxiety or reassuring me about my choice of surgeon. It was a whisper of love from a Father in Heaven who knows all things and prepares a way. From the start, I had been held in the very best of hands.

His hand is in all things. If you can’t see it, look for it. What you seek, you will find.

And that is the story of a dream that wasn’t just a dream after all.

When the Path Became Clear

The journey toward a heart transplant began long before I realized what was happening.

I had started seeing a new heart failure specialist at the University of Utah, and he began ordering a series of specific tests. The first was an overnight pulse oximetry test. He explained that it would help determine whether my fatigue was caused by heart failure or possibly sleep apnea. I later learned that this test is just one of many routinely used in a transplant evaluation.

At one of my appointments, Aaron asked the doctor how often people with ARVC eventually need a heart transplant. I didn’t understand why he would even ask such a question. I wasn’t going to need a heart transplant—certainly not. I was relatively young. I was otherwise healthy. Right?

The doctor explained that the determining factor would be whether my arrhythmias could be controlled. If they couldn’t, transplant would become the necessary option. He then ordered a VO₂ max test and scheduled a follow-up appointment later that month.

Shortly after that follow-up, my heart “declared itself.”

I began experiencing difficult-to-control ventricular tachycardia. After one episode that lasted more than an hour, Aaron took me to the nearest emergency room. The ER physician quickly performed a cardioversion, but unlike the first time, my heart continued slipping back into VT. He called my doctor at the University of Utah, who requested I be transferred there for observation.

That night, I was transported by ambulance up to the U, where I would remain for 12 days—moving in and out of the ICU.

The next morning, I woke up in the cardiovascular medical unit. My doctor came into my room and said, “Remember when we talked about this in clinic? You’re having multiple episodes of VT. That means it’s time to talk about transplant.”

It was Saturday morning. He told me the earliest I might go home was the following Tuesday. But later that same morning, I went back into VT and had to be transferred to the ICU. There, the VT continued—coming and going despite being on multiple IV anti-arrhythmic medications.

That’s when I was told, plainly, that a heart transplant was the best option. With my consent, the team would use my inpatient stay to complete the full transplant evaluation. I would also undergo an epicardial ablation in hopes of locating and treating the source of the VT.

At my hospital—though I understand this can vary by transplant center—the transplant evaluation included:

  • Extensive blood work (more than 20 vials drawn in one sitting—torture)
  • Cardiac catheterization to evaluate coronary arteries, pressures, and overall heart health
  • Echocardiogram (ultrasound of the heart)
  • Stress echocardiogram
  • VO₂ max test
  • Chest X-ray
  • Pulmonary function testing
  • Abdominal ultrasound
  • Ankle-brachial index test to assess blood flow in the arms and legs
  • And one particularly strange test involving a large plastic bubble placed over my head to measure gas exchange while breathing

It was a whirlwind week in the ICU. Because the University of Utah is a teaching hospital, there was a constant stream of doctors, residents, fellows, nurses, student nurses, and pharmacists in and out of my room—a room with no bathroom.

There was no privacy. Every time I had to use the bedside commode, I found myself breaking down in tears. It was humiliating and overwhelming, and something I hope and pray I never have to experience again—though I know I will, post-transplant.

After eight days in the ICU, I was transferred back to the cardiovascular medical unit. The epicardial ablation was considered successful. The VT was controlled—at least for the moment. However, the procedure allowed my doctor to see just how severely scarred and damaged my right ventricle truly was. He told us that, given what he saw, heart transplant was the logical next step.

After a few more days in the CVMU—and twelve days total in the hospital—I was finally discharged.

But this was not the end.

I would be back.